Should Your Girlfriend Be Involved In Choosing Her Engagement Ring?

According to her, yes.

In a recent survey close to 90% of women said they want to be involved in some way when her engagement ring is designed or selected. So, unless your girlfriend deliberately sent you on a solo mission, it’s time to start thinking about ways to get her in the loop.

The rule of thumb here is pretty straight forward; if she doesn’t want to be involved she’ll tell you.

There is a massive disconnect between males and females on this topic.

But – you’re in luck. After years of studying the female psyche we can finally give you a sneak peak into the workings of her mind. At least on this topic…

1. This is the norm. Really.  

After the massive 90% “yes, I want to be involved” score, I asked my sales team if this number accurately represents girlfriend involvement. Every consultant said they think it’s a conservative number.

Back in the day (Great Gatsby Era) you could stroll by any Tiffany store and the most popular rings would all be showcased in the window. If she hinted towards a certain ring and you’re a few inches off and pick the wrong one when you visit the store 3 days later in buying mode – you’re probably still close enough. The amount of designs jewellers carried for engagements were only a handful.

Google Images, Pinterest and Instagram have notched this up a step. If your girlfriend follows a handful of jewellery brands she’ll see dozens of engagement rings per day. She’s being bombarded.

Although we actively keep designing jewellery pieces for our engagement ring collection based on trends and popularity, the over-supply of ideas and concepts on social media have us at a stage where over 70% of the rings we manufacture are custom. Most include slight variations of our collection, but most ladies have a very unique and specific design in mind.

I recently had a laugh with my barber. I commented that the hairstyles of 10 year olds baffled me — always super trendy, pushing limits that would have had me expelled in my time. He said they all come in with a reference photo. Usually a footballer or a YouTuber. They don't just say "cut it shorter" — they want a specific fade, a specific length on top, a specific texture. No 10 year old walks in and mumbles "just cut it". They used to though.

That’s pretty much where we are in the engagement ring world. Every lady has a specific design in mind and you ordering a vanilla or “what’s the most popular style” just won’t cut it.

You can stroll by her side through every mall in the country and chances are no jeweller will have that one absolutely perfect design she has in mind.

Somewhere in the bombardment of designs she has found her dream engagement ring. Or a collection of ideas she wishes to morph into a single unique custom engagement ring.

2. She IS in fact expecting the engagement. (Hopefully)

The main, obvious objection to including your girlfriend in the engagement ring design and selection phase is spoiling the surprise.

If you have never had a conversation about marriage and your future together, it’s probably a good idea to hold back with that diamond ring until you have had that chat. During one of these conversations (once you pop the lid on marriage talks there is no end in sight), you will surely discuss some form of timeline. After you have set the timeline she is expecting a ring at some stage. Your proposal can still be a magnificent unexpected moment, but the ring design doesn’t have to be.

So, she is expecting a ring, and has a dream ring in mind… What are you spoiling?

Tackling this process as a couple is great fun – and you’ll know it was money well spent when she can’t stop staring at her ring after your proposal.

3. You can’t guesstimate the ring size correctly.

There are many larger mistakes in life than getting the size of the engagement ring wrong, but this is a great moment that you want to fully enjoy and celebrate. You want to take photos to share with friends and family, she wants to feel the excitement of a new piece of luxurious jewellery adorning her hand and you want the ring you paid a fortune for to fit like it should.

You don’t want the ring constantly toppling over, falling off or squishing her finger until it looks like a cheap red vienna.

I promise you no app, PDF printout or cable-tie can 100% accurately measure her ring size. You need to either get the girl, or a ring that fits perfectly on her ring finger to a reputable jeweller to measure the size properly. Unfortunately there is no average size, and even a single size too big or too small is an awkward fit.

If you’re wondering who would know her ring size, here is a nice breakdown;

Tip; don’t ask mom, sisters or her group of friends. As the survey results show chances are slim (13%-ish) that they’ll have the ring size ready. If you think you can send her mom a simple “Hi Mrs Kentley, what is Bridget’s ring size? Ring finger to be specific. Please reply and delete this message immediately” – you’re wrong. 

They’ll squeeze every proposal detail out of you and way more than 13% go on to spill the beans about your proposal plans. The details (when, where, how) of your proposal should be a surprise. Asking Mom & Co is too risky.

4. OK, OK. I get the why. How do I extract this dream design from her mind?

Rohypnol or any strong sleeping tablet. Stay patient till she seems drowsy and then pull out your phone and ask her to show you her dream design. You have about 5-7 minutes. Then let her doze off safely and in the morning this would all seem like a nice dream.

Although you’ll have a sky-high success-rate; you’re ordering a “break-up with extra jail time”.

There are safer, legal ways that don’t include drugs.

You hopefully know this woman you’re proposing to so you’ll have to match one of these “types” to her personality and the sort of relationship you have. During one of the marriage talks you’ll get some insight into which bracket she falls;

The “Hands On”

This can be a bomb if you don’t stick to the script.

If she tells you she wants to be intricately involved – then you do just that. Otherwise you’ll be knocking on our door in a few months for a complete remodelling. I won’t mind, but obviously there are costs involved. 

Roll with it and make it a wonderful (and secret) pre-engagement project for the two of you.

The proposal is still yours to plan.

The “Hinter”

This is the most common scenario. From the survey results you can see 90% of girlfriends want to be involved, but when it comes to details like sizing – she wants to see some effort.

The challenge here isn’t to read her mind and select the perfect design out of a million options. She just wants you to be involved in picking the ring. She values your involvement in the creation of this piece of jewellery that is so close to her heart.

I can’t tell you when the hints will start pouring in, but it will be hard to miss once you catch on to it. You’ll start to be on the receiving end of running commentary on rings she sees. You’ll be nudged towards some jewellery displays in malls. You shouldn’t be snooping on her phone… but if you do… remember to keep a close eye on her Pinterest and Instagram feeds. Let me be captain obvious here; if you find a Pinterest Board - you’ve hit gold, my friend. 

Personally my listening skills rival that of a meatball. If yours do too – it’s time to focus son. When the topic of engagement rings pop up – tune in those ears. A few key phrases like vintage, halo, no yellow gold, low setting might be all you need.

If these terms don’t make sense – no worries. Fake a restroom break and go type notes of whatever you can remember. We’ve decrypted some interesting notes over the years.

If she has a best friend you know you can trust with this secret, bring her along to our studio. Having an engagement ring designed by your Fiancé and your best friend makes it extra special.

The “Surprise Me”

We had a charismatic gentleman visit us the other day, ready to place an order for a certain ring design. After picking a diamond and running through details like lead-times he hit a blank on her ring size.

We offered him some tips and sent him out into the wild with a ring sizer to maneuver at home and get an estimate of her ring size.

Poor chap was caught in the act. As with 99% of girlfriends she was ecstatic when she realised what was happening. She insisted on seeing the design he picked though…

…and really didn’t like it.

Where Surprise Me’s get tricky; these ladies aren’t necessarily free minded individuals who don’t care how their engagement ring looks. They still have something in mind.  

Although you won’t have an abundance of hints to work with you’re bound to hear micro hints every so often. Keep a close eye on the jewellery she wears and consider reaching out to 1 (one!) of her close confidants who you can threaten with whatever you threaten people with, and tell her she’s the only one who knows. So if Bridget finds out – you’ll know who the culprit is.

A good jeweller is worth their weight in gold here. Bring them what you have — even if it's just a few vague notes from a hushed phone conversation — and they'll help you navigate the most popular, evergreen designs that stand the test of time. You don't need to walk in with a blueprint. That's what we're here for.

I very often recommend that a gent opts for a classic solitaire. These designs are timeless and no one ever dislikes a solitaire. And on the rare occasion she'd prefer something different — you can always have it remade. This way she’ll get her surprise engagement, you’ll be able to pick a diamond well within your budget, AND you can have the couple’s fun of having it remade into her dream design later on.

In all honesty, very few solitaire engagement rings ever get remade. A classic solitaire will always be the quintessential engagement ring. By adding complementary wedding bands she can dress up the solitaire to any style she adores. It’s always a great, safe starting point for a wedding set;

Before you leave anything to chance — come chat with us. We sit down with hundreds of couples every month and there's very little we haven't seen or solved. Whatever stage you're at, we'll help you find the clearest path to her dream ring, within a budget that makes sense.

Engineers — we love you. Please get her involved.

You can reach my studios here:

Pretoria: (012) 111 0525 - info@poggenpoel.com

Sandton: (010) 020 6811 - info@poggenpoel.com

Cape Town (021) 013 7697- info@poggenpoel.com

Feel free to reach out to me directly at johan@poggenpoel.com with any questions.

Take care. 

Johan Poggenpoel